Well sports fans, it's footy finals time here in the Land of Oz. My team, Wests Tigers are in the rugby league finals for the first time in over a decade and they haven't won since 1969. Also we've just had the first weekend of finals in the AFL (Australian Football League) a peculiar game which I won't attempt to explain now. So with all this footy madness you'd think the TV would be flooded with it...

Think again! What do we have shown at this sport heavy time of year? A delayed telecast of the Miss Teen USA 2005 pageant. Hurrah! This is how Australian TV works, we buy up B grade American shows and wait until the worst possible time to show them. And so I did what any footy lover in need of a fix did... I sat down and picked the winner! And I must say with the utmost pride, that from the final 15, I correctly picked the top 5 in order. (well, I kind of cheated with 3 and 4 and said they could go in either order, but apart from that...) Go Miss Teen Ohio!

Meanwhile, I had the internet set to the rugby league website to keep an eye on the scores. If the Tigers won by 10 points and the Dragons lost by 10 points then the Tigers would have ended up 2nd on the ladder... and if, in addition to this, the Rabbitos lost then the Newcastle team would avoid the Wooden Spoon (last place). None of these things occurred. The Tigers lost, the Newcastle Knights lost, the Rabbitos won. And to boot the Adelaide teams both won in the AFL and we never want to see that happen!

In short, I appear to be far better suited to picking winners in beauty pageants than in the football. This is a disturbing revelation for an Australian male. I immediately had to go out and fire up the barbie, chug back a six pack of heavies while burning the beer-soaked steak and wolf-whistling at the passing birds... I feel alright again now, thanks for asking.

Josh!

xoxo

Weight - 82kg, alcohol units - 5, cigarettes - 0 (don't smoke, reminding self of fact as get cravings when watching movie with cool actor smoking), calories - how the heck do you count those things anyway?

As many of you can guess, am currently reading Bridget Jones' Diary. Yes, me. A boy... reading a "girl's book". I've done it before, you know. I've read at least 2 or 3 Jane Austen novels, Little Women, several of the Anne of Green Gables books and even, one time, I read a book by Catherine Cookson! (I didn't like it particularly, but that's not the point) It's time for me to jump on my gender bender train once more and say, "Big bloody deal!"

Jane Austen may have written from and about a woman's perspective in Georgian and Early Victorian England, something of which I know nothing, but she did it extremely well and she did it with a dry wit that the likes of Clive Cussler or Tom Clancy (or other MANLY authors) wouldn't know if a fighter jet dropped it on their residence while they barbequed freshly hunted deer on a Sunday afternoon. As for Louisa May Alcott's classic... oh come on! Who wouldn't cry as they read that? Beth was always my favourite character.

But from the age of about 8 or 9, I could identify with Anne Shirley far more readily than any other character I'd read in just about any book. She was like a female version of me, if I were a red-headed orphan from Nova Scotia... anyway... she loved Tennyson above all poets (as any true poetry fan should), had a romantic sensibility that it has NEVER been fashionable to write in a male character and like me, got into more trouble than you thought possible for one person. I too, had a string of friends as a child that I wanted to be "kindred spirits" "bosom friends" but, like Diana, they never quite got it.

I have a friend who's getting married in 2 weeks time. She told me last night, albeit somewhat facetiously, that she wanted to have a little girl, so that she could bring her up to be a free-thinking tomboy. Cut her hair short, dress her in pants and get her nose pierced instead of her ears. She could buy her her first pair of Doc Martin's. It is statements like this that make her one of my dearest friends.

I'm not saying there is no gender division at all, of course there are boundaries to how far we can treat boys and girls the same. But I never read Anne of Green Gables and said "I think I'll wear a dress to school today" or "I want to give birth". Not that it should matter if I did wear a dress to school, my point is I didn't get that thought from reading a "girls book". Much as paranoid father's might like to think otherwise, boys are quite capable of distinguishing between what a character wears and who a character is. We can read a book, learn what women are about without wanting to be one, take on board a character's point of view without taking on board their genitalia.

Rant Ends.

Josh! xoxo

Well it appears another Australian has been arrested in Bali for drug possession. Do these people not learn? All of South East Asia is looking at us now thinking,  "Oh those people real stupid!" And forgive my ignorance, but I would have thought that under the influence of exstacy  all night clubs look pretty much the same, so why not drop your pills in the club that doesn't carry the death sentence, yeah? I've never understood the attraction of Bali, everyone knows Australia has the best  beaches in the world.

Josh! xoxo

Ok, it's my first day in a foreign country. I've just endured an 8 hour overnight flight in which I maybe slept an hour or two. I've been out walking and walking all morning seeing the sights, emersing myself headlong in the culture. I'm heading back to my hotel room for a nap when a voice behind me says, "Hello sir, where are you from?"

I turn, seeing the curious face of an old man, probably into his 70's. "Hello there, I'm from Australia." His face lights up, "Australia! When did you arrive here?" "Just this morning," I reply. "Ohh, I've never been to Australia, but my daughter, she's going there, she has a job in Melbourne as a nurse. Prince Alfred Hospital!" He says, proudly showing remembering the name. "She doesn't know about Australia. Come, let me buy you a drink, you can tell me about it." I see that we are standing outside McDonalds, he seems harmless enough, besides, I can take a 70 year old easily enough if I need to.

We go in and talk. He tells me of his hometown, his family, proudly telling me of his son's and daughter's accomplishments. Of how his wife is grieving the death of their son a few years previously. I tell him a few things about the hospital system in Australia and about living conditions in Melbourne. His phone rings and it's his daughter, who arrives presently. Not the nurse going to Melbourne, another one, who confirms her Father's story. "Why don't you come meet her? You can talk to her about Melbourne! Prince Alfred Hospital!" The man had told me he worked at a family florist around the corner, and I figure we're going there. Always being one to help out where I can, I agree. Next thing I know, the man's heading to the store and I'm in a taxi with the daughter heading across town to I have no idea where.

I talk with the girl about my experiences of KL so far and she gives me some tips. We arrive at her home 15-20 minutes later and I'm introduced to her Aunt and Uncle. Her Uncle, a 40-ish, enthusiastic man proudly displays his knowledge of Australian casinos. He works on a cruise ship in the VIP suite. Her aunt prepares a lunch for me (even though I'd eaten at the Hard Rock Cafe an hour before) and I try deep-fried pig intestine. I think to myself, "Well, first day here, you've met a lovely Malaysian family, tried some new food, your family and friends will be proud."

I sip Malaysian coffee (23 sugars, but I'm too polite to leave it), I note with increasing alarm that the older sister who I came to talk to has not arrived. "Tomorrow I am inviting you to come visit me at work, I will give you 2 VIP passes, one for you and one for my niece. You can sit at my blackjack table and I can show you how to win. Pay for your holiday. There are no cameras in the VIP room, our clients are sensitive, they will not see." The light has at last dawned. There are now two possibilities, this guy wants me to help him rip off his work or this guy wants to rip me off for his work. Time to plot my escape.

Next I know, I'm being led upstairs into a room, Uncle is going to teach me and Daughter to cheat at blackjack. She sits down next to me, close. I note without any further surprise that the upstairs room is decked out specifically for gambling purposes. Uncle's phone rings, he leaves to talk. Daughter's hands are playing with my hair now, her knee pressed to mine. Uncle informs me that some men who were gambling with him last night plan to return for more, no doubt I will be asked to join with my western dollars. I use my one asset, the dark rings under my eyes. "I have been on a long flight with no sleep and walking around all day. I cannot possibly concentrate on this now. Can I go now and agree to return tomorrow?" "What time?" Suspicious eyes. "10am" "Where?" "The McDonalds where I met your niece." My heart thuds, would I have to run? I had no idea where in KL I was or where to go. I pray for the hundredth time that day. "Ok, you will return tomorrow with Niece and then when you come back to KL next week, I will give you both VIP Pass." A heartful of gratitude to the Lord as I walk out the door and hail a Teksi. Needless to say, no way was I meeting touchy-feely Niece at 10am the next morning.

Wait a minute... she's climbing in too! Oh, she's going to visit her mother at the hospital and gets out a few blocks away, trying to kiss me as she leaves. I see no point in playing her game anymore and pull away, slamming the door shut. "Drive now!"

I met many more Malaysians after this and happily satisfied their curiousity about my country. They aren't bad people, but being an obvious tourist (as any white person in KL is) makes you a target for the dregs of humanity. I couldn't believe that this whole family was in on a scheme that seemed designed very specifically to rip off young Australian men, for that is the conclusion I must draw. I tried to centre it around Uncle, as it surely was, but Niece was in on it with all her flirting, Aunt overheard it all and must know and it was kind, old 67 year old Father who talked to me in the first place.

It seems obvious now what was happening, but I was tired, overwhelmed and trying my hardest to be polite and not offend anyone in a foreign culture. In any case, I thank God I learnt from it and that I survived that day.

Josh!

xoxo